IS YOUR WEDDING THE HAPPIEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE?

An argumentative comparison

Dedicated to “N” and “S” in the hope that they recover from the stress of their wedding and live happily ever after

A wedding is a ceremony held to announce to the community that two people wish to spend the rest of their lives together. It is a public declaration of love and commitment and as such, is cause for celebration. Weddings all over the world are, therefore, described as joyous occasions during which families and friends come together to celebrate the momentous decision of the couple. Logically, their wedding should be the happiest day of the couple’s life and so it is on some occasions, but it is far from being so on others. Wedding ceremonies can be a source of absolute joy but also of great misery. The key criterion is the type of society in which the ceremony is taking place.

In more individualistic societies such as those in the developed world, the individual, his desires, aspirations and proclivities are given precedence over culture and traditions. It is the individual who takes major decisions about his life and decides on the direction it should take. The notion of freedom is the natural culmination of movements such as the Reformation, the Renaissance, the Age of Enlightenment and the French Revolution to list a few, and is now entrenched in the West. There is a second factor that has a bearing on the issue and that is the age at which people get married. Marriage is not the end all and be all of life; people wish to receive a good education and pursue a career as well. This takes time, and when young people finally decide to take the leap, they are mature adults who know exactly what they want and intend to get it. They may, as a result, decide to tie the knot in the Bahamas, on a beach, with a priest and no guests at all. Alternatively, they may prefer a simple ceremony at the registry office or decide to go the whole hog and rent a stately home for the day. As far as choices go, the sky is the limit, no one interferes, and as such, the wedding is a day to remember.

Not so in more traditional, collectivist societies. In such societies, it is the customs, the traditions and social expectations of the society handed down through the generations that take precedence over anything the individual may desire or aspire to. The moment the decision is taken to get married, ritual and time honored practices take over reducing the couple to be married to puppets under the control of the puppet masters, the families and the rest of the community. Every step to be taken is set in stone and any wish to deviate from the prescribed path is met with harsh rebuke. For the puppet masters, marriage is the single most important step in life and concerns the community as a whole, but not so to all the so called “puppets”. Societies don’t exist in vacuums; there is, thanks to globalization, a wealth of opportunities to connect and discover, first hand, the way people live in other parts of the world. Another factor is education: Many young people in such parts of the world go to western countries and the USA to be able to receive a better education and while there, are subject to the influence of a far more individualistic society than the one they were accustomed to. Therein, lies the problem.

Individuals are subject to a multitude of influences throughout their lives; it is these influences along with personal interpretation that molds them into the kind of people they become. Parents of young people in more traditional collectivist societies are the way they are as a result of the cultural influences they have been subjected to. Letting go of such cultural norms as those espoused by the society is not an option. The young people however have been on the receiving end of a medley of cultural influences both from their homeland and from the more individualistic West. As a result, they have very different world views from their parents whose opinions they feel under no obligation to respect or accept. Neither party is interested in a compromise and is set on imposing their own opinions on the other. The resulting clashes come their wedding day cause much pain, angst and rifts that can last for years. The period leading up to the wedding, the wedding day itself and the following days cause stress and misery all round. A modern couple, for instance, would find the need to prove virginity to family members waiting outside the bedroom door the height of indignity whereas for the families, it is a matter of life and death. In short, weddings are not always all they are cracked up to be.

Assuming that one’s wedding day is always the happiest day of one’s life is a mistake. Societies come in different forms; traditions, customs and rituals come into play to varying degrees. Serious problems can occur depending on the extent to which people hold the accepted ways of doing things dear. As always the solution is civilized discussion and compromise or the acceptance of a serious rift.